Jessica Yaniv Simpson’s Top 10 Lies to Sara

Courtesy The Lone Gunmen

A major 2020 event in both Jonathan Jessica Yaniv Simpson’s life and in the annals of MeowMix was the unveiling of Sara’s skillful catfishing of Dishonest Jon, who hooked himself when trying to catfish Sara.

For new readers: Out to avenge JJYS’s mistreatment of a friend, a woman invented a persona named Sara designed to attract JJYS’s attention. She set up an account on HER, a dating app for lesbians where horndog JJYS had been catfishing, dick pics ready to send, for some time for unsuspecting young women. In no time, JJYS was proposing marriage to Sara, blowing thousands on gifts and a cross-Canada trip during which he was never able to see the nonexistent Sara, and – as is his lifelong habit – lying up a storm.

And while he’s not exactly a master of deception, as the transcript of their months of messages in the Chat Logs section of MeowMix’s Document Library shows he does try to keep the wreckage of his lies afloat, usually by changing the subject, but sometimes with a galaxy-brain deflection move like this:

Of the dozens and dozens and dozens of lies JJYS told Sara, a woman he earnestly expected to marry, these are the Top 10.

10.  “I Put Myself In Danger!” (Winner of the Self-Aggrandizement Award)

JJYS loves telling grandiose lies hoping to impress others with nonexistent achievements. Sara got the full treatment: He teaches marketing and business, puts on $12,000-a-day marketing conferences, ran a hosting company for years that offered free 15 MB hosting and was a huge hit, and was paid big money by Instagram for hacking a second layer security system to show how to prevent hacks. Whadda guy! Errr, gal.

But two of his self-aggrandizing lies stand out:

He told Sara he was the “hardcore girl” who got the RCMP to dump its top official in Langley. “I sued the township for harassment and raised shit in Ottawa.” As Sara raised some doubts about JJYS’s influence on the superintendent’s career path, JJYS began to pout. MeowMix had the real story.

But better yet – and our pick for Top Self-Aggrandizing Lie to Sara – is the one about how “I put myself in danger” to save a man from an anti-LGBTQ street preacher. He sent Sara a video Miriam made of the thrilling event that the two of them seemed to expect to occur. “I thought you said you put yourself in danger? I don’t see how that happened?” responded Sara. Galaxy-brain save: “I put myself in the middle of it after she stopped recording.” And by the way, “My moms horrible with recording.” MeowMix had the real story.

9. “I’ve Never Lived In A Place With A Pool”  (Winner of the Constant Little Lies Award)

Re-reading Sara’s transcript and looking at the original chat logs again brought home how constantly JJYS lies for no reason other than to be lying.

• “I hate court.”
• “My middle name stands for calm and peacefulness. Basically me in nutshell.”
• “Ugh guys love our lesbian bodies.”
• “I just biked 22.5K in 43 minutes.”
• “I get a lot of messages from people wanting to bang me it’s ridiculous.”

But for its sheer comedic pointlessness, our winner in this category is, “I’ve never lived in a place with a pool.” And, we should probably assume, he never lived in a place with a pool where his parents got him a part-time job and where he commenced perving on a 13-year-old. MeowMix had the real story.

8.  “I’m Not A Drinker”

Given how important lying about drinking is to an alcoholic, we found this simple one-liner to be a standalone superstar. “Do you drink ever?” he asked of Sara, adding, “I’m not a drinker.” MeowMix had the real story (scroll down to the apartment tour videos in that article!).

7.  “I Never Say That to Anyone”  (Winner of the Violence Denial Award)

Of course, the stun gun he pleaded guilty to possessing in 2020 was thrust upon him by a friend in the States and many RCMP constables refused to let him turn it over to them! Forget the part where he pulled it out during a stream with Blaire White so that he could smirk about wanting to use it on people.

He hit that reporter repeatedly over the head with a cane because “they” were “grabbing onto” his mother! He punched that other reporter because he had just been sexually assaulted and then denied an ambulance! All this and more he explained to Sara. “I haven’t done anything to anyone!”

Asked Sara, “Why do you tell people you’ll kill them?” Replied JJYS – throwing in that very convincing “to be honest” at the end – “I never say that to anyone tbh.” And that is the winning lie for the violence category because, though the degree of violence is lesser than tazing, whacking, or punching, the number of truths the lie tries to hide is ginormous.

Sara, always prepared, brings up the video he made with his mother at a hotel pool in which he says he’ll murder people. Huh. “I forgot about that video.” (Pause.) “I exploded and had to make a statement.” MeowMix had the real story (death threat at 2:15 in that video which he claimed he was making in Hawaii, instead of Sooke, BC, because of course he did).

6.  “She Wanted To Fuck”

Sara had fun quizzing JJYS about his relationships with females, past and present. He told such hilarious porkies about one young woman in particular, that they deserve a standalone category all their own.

Because Sara was highly virtuous – or as JJYS put it, “pure” – he tried to come off as pure, too. He claimed his lost-virginity-on-college-washroom-floor story had been a lie, that he’d not had great sex with a hooker in Vegas, that a Vancouver escort he claimed to have dated for three weeks had not had sex with him, and the farthest he’d ever gone was kissing a girl just recently who was eager for sex.

“She wanted to fuck.” He’d “just started making out with her. She likes it. A lot. And was like wanting to explore. But I didn’t have a condom and I wasn’t wanting to do it. I turned it down.” He said he was glad he’d saved his virginity for Sara. As 2020 ends, he’s still saving it. MeowMix had the real story.

5.  “The Last Person That Assaulted Me Was A GIRL!”

One of the two people JJYS has probably lied to the world about most, reporter Amy Hamm, was the subject of some of JJYS’s very first lies to Sara. As the weeks went by, he kept circling back to lie about Ms. Hamm some more. Is there any better way to establish rapport with a girl like Sara who tells you she survived sexual assault than to lie about having been sexually assaulted, too?

JJYS was distraught over having to relive the dreadful experience in court! He was distraught over Ms. Hamm not being charged despite his voluminous lies! And he had a plan for vengeance – a private prosecution! “Fuck her. I’ll do it my way. I’ll cause a shit storm!… I can bypass the cops!” And as you might suppose, he was extremely suicidal about it all.

But his winning entry for this Top Lie category can only be the bedrock lie upon which all the other lies about Amy Hamm were built: “I was sexually assaulted a few times and it gets harder each and every time. … But the last person that assaulted me was a GIRL!”  MeowMix had the real story.

4. “I Never Sent Him Anything”

The one other person in the world JJYS lied about even more than he did Amy Hamm was citizen journalist Donald Smith. This category overlaps somewhat with the Violence Denial Award entries because the person JJYS usually denies threatening is Donald Smith.  That is because the person JJYS is constantly threatening is Donald Smith.  Thanks to JJYS’s voluminous threats, we will suffer no repetition here in this standalone category.

JJYS’s biggest, most appalling lies about Donald Smith occurred outside the Sara transcript.  JJYS forged an email he claimed Mr. Smith had sent him, spewed endless lies about Mr. Smith allegedly stalking and menacing him, and succeeded in getting Mr. Smith jailed for 39 days. A number of British Columbian authorities need to answer publicly for that. 

But in JJYS’s pervy courtship of Sara, he only fumed and bleated about the evil he imagined Mr. Smith was about to do to him, giving no clue that his unreasonable fear was being fueled by a very guilty conscience. Sara’s creator, of course, knew better. When she asked him about the forged email, he replied “the manufacturing is bogus.” When she asked him if he made pranked calls to Mr. Smith, he replied, “I never pranked Donald.”

But one particular lie wins this standalone category because it includes that word “honest” again. When Sara asked JJYS if he didn’t send threatening messages to Mr. Smith, he replied, “I never did. I never sent him anything. I am being honest.” It took Sara only three more pings in the message app to extract a confession: “I attacked.” MeowMix had the real story.

3. “I’m Extremely Gender Dysphoric”

It is hard to doubt that JJYS is wrecked in the head about sexuality and about being stuck in a body that’s not going to attract girls. But it’s also apparent that he loves his little peen and is dying to use it. Sara, playing the woke girlfriend, gently asked him what she could call what he has down there pre-GRS.

• JJYS: You can call it what ever you want to call it
• Sara: So like your cock? Is that okay?
• JJYS: Yeah totally

And soon JJYS was rollicking with abandon in cocksman fantasies:

• I want it inside you. I want to do what married couples do.
• Then say “cum in me jessyyy”
• Say “do me harder Jessica.” Cum in me yeah
• I wanna cum everywhere I can … On your tits too. Your face. Your cute belly.
• I want it in your pussy.
• I want to kiss you while you’re on my lap slowly going up and down on my Dick
• I’m not hiding anything except for a boner
• I want you to go bouncy bouncy and for the pogo stick to explode inside you

While he dodged her requests for the dick pics he’s otherwise sent to girls who didn’t request them, he did send her pics of his bike shorts, wet from masturbation and in one case showing a little thumb-like protuberance.

If you made it through the bullet list above, you’ll be able to take this news, too: The bike shorts pics were made in hotels where he stayed while scamming insurance to get his apartment renovated for free. He was sharing those hotel rooms with his mother.

Don’t panic! We’re almost to this category’s award winner. Apply brain bleach, but continue reading.

Transfolk quite commonly speak of the pain dysphoria causes them. They do not want to see or have anyone else see what to them are devastatingly wrong genitalia. When encountering JJYS’s online exhortations about his peen, they find his claim to being trans highly suspect. Meow Mix had the real story.

But how wrong they are! As JJYS told Sara:

• I’m extremely gender dysphoric. I just want it [his penis] gone
• No it’s the fact I’m transgender and I’m super dysphoric even looking at it [his body]
• I suffer from significant gender dysphoria.

Any of those three lies deserves a spot on the Top 10. We just squirted more brain bleach in our eyes and clicked at the list to pick one for you.

2. “I Have Ovaries”

For more than two years, JJYS has played peek-a-boo when it comes to his exceptional reproductive equipment.  While he does play frosh dorm style semantic games – if a girl has a penis, the penis is female genitalia! – he more urgently blabbers out poorly researched claims about his particular physical condition, apparently confusing porny fantasies about hermaphrodites with actual intersex conditions.

When people, including the defense lawyer at the British Columbia Human Rights Tribunal’s hearings on some of JJYS’s money-seeking complaints against immigrant aestheticians who declined to wax his girlish scrotum, try to get him to make definite statements about his sex organs, he trills, “Nobody can know what I’ve got.” Given his Munchausen behavior, a lot of people know what he’s got, but their professional ethics keep them from speaking up to anyone but him. MeowMix had the real story.

Wanting to marry Sara presented JJYS with a problem, however, since he had tried to use his rarified sexuality to steal woke compassion from her from their very first exchanges on the HER app and then told her he wanted her to have his baby.

Sara at first played this angle gently, drawing him out on how they could have sex and a child. As she was completing her reign as Queen of Catfish, she began forcing him to confront the physical impossibility of having the reproductive gear he claimed he had.

• Sara: Are you intersex or not?
• JJYS: What the heck. Do you think I’ll lie about that
• Sara: Why did you tell people you’re intersex?
• JJYS: Maybe I am. He then changed the subject.

Sara forced the issue by saying that if he had lied to her about his genitalia, it would not be safe for her to meet him, and out popped the award winning lie: “I have ovaries, why are you scared of that.”

That one sentence shows how he wants to use his masquerade as a woman to get access to girls who would otherwise evade his sweaty clutches. Sara wasn’t done with the subject, though. She asked him how he knew he had ovaries.

• JJYS: I have cousins who are also intersex. It’s in my family.
• Sara: You said vagina.
• JJYS: I’m going through genetic testing so I don’t know.
• Sara: Why did you say you have a vagina and penis? That doesn’t need testing. That means you lied. You said they’re there, 100%. You told me that. Now you’re saying you’re being tested and you don’t know.

Before she was done with him, he had posted one of the most hilarious pieces of JJYS ephemera ever: His annual bill for $300 from the sperm bank where he keeps some of his genetically hazardous wigglers stored for future use in IVF treatments. If you’ve got viable sperm, mate, you don’t have viable ova. The all-body hormone load needed to maintain one makes the other impossible, whichever way around they go. But break that to your intersex cousins gently for surely they’re as dimwitted as you are about this stuff.

1. “I Do Not Like Any Girls Under 18!” (Winner of the Pedophilia Denial Award)

After creating a list of JJYS’s lies to Sara it became obvious to us that lying about being a pedophile was his biggest passion as his imaginary engagement with his “fiancé” (Jon, when it’s a woman, it’s “fiancée”) turned into humiliating torment. While it was clear that a lie about pedophilia had to be #1 in The Top 10, choosing which lie it should be was difficult. Surely contenders such as these cannot be called “losers”:

• “I am not a pedo.”
• “Uh, what 9 year old?”
• “I never did that!”
• “I’ve never said anything about putting tampons in anyone, or helping anyone with their tampon.”
• “No it’s not me I swear on my dads grave.”

He even gave Sara a fanciful account of how he certainly had not been perving on all those young Cimorelli fans, manipulating them in half a dozen ways. “I never told anyone to commit suicide? I think I know which message you’re talking about though, but I never sent that one.” MeowMix had the real story.

Sara zeroed in on JJYS’s delight in lurking in women’s change rooms where he indulges not just his voyeurism and exhibitionism but also his menophilia and pedophilia. 

• JJYS: Yeah my eyes are always down too I usually wrap myself with a towel and change or use a stall.
• Sara: You just said you see p—- all the time, eyes mustn’t be that down
• JJYS: Lol well I’m a lesbian
• Sara: What dya mean? JJYS changes the subject, showing her a sex toy.
• Sara: And what’s that got to do with being a lesbian in a changing room?
• JJYS: Nothing lmao. He changes the subject again.

But the Top Lie award has to go to a bedrock lie, hilariously broad as it was and easily disproved with any glance at MeowMix or JJYS’s social media: “I do not like any girls under 18!” MeowMix had the real story again and again and again and again and… pretty much every other article on the site, really.

Sara responded with some sharp pokes to JJYS’s engorged lie gland. “Yeah,” he said in response, “I do have some friends on social media under 18. They add me, I am not a rude person, so I talk to them. But I haven’t accepted any for a long time.” MeowMix routinely notes on Twitter that JJYS has added eight or ten teen girls on any given day and has determined he keeps lists of Twitter accounts to visit for various types of thrills.

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So there they are, our picks for JJYS’s Top 10 Lies to Sara. Hit us with your personal favs that should have made the list.

Out of fairness, we will wrap this up with a moment when JJYS actually told Sara the truth!  When she said she was going to respond to Abby’s open letter warning her about JJYS, he managed two honest sentences:

“If you contact them, I will do something to myself. That’s not a threat, that’s a fact.“

Yep. He did do something to himself. He did bad hair to himself. Very bad hair. That’s a fact.