Because nobody has time to watch Jessica Yaniv Simpson “mix” for 50+ minutes, we put Abby in the torture chamber and made her summarize it for you. If you still want the punishment, scroll to the bottom.
The video starts off with Jon wearing a teal zip up hoodie and the usual filthy hair. He is looking like he’s pouting about something. Could it be that there’s a chat message visible that reads “you look nothing like your profile photo, why’s that?”. 12 seconds in and that user is blocked.
Jon spends some time staring down and attempting to look like he’s hard at work crafting mixes in his lumpy head. He smirks a few times.
Please take note of his hair. It is SO dirty that it doesn’t move when he bops his head or looks down.
The moobs now touch the beer gut. But remember dear audience, Jon is “not fat at all.”
Head bobbing and chair bopping intensifies as does the smirking. Disturbing indeed.
1:07- Jon takes a deep breath. He’s about to do something amazing!
1:09- False alarm. He’s just struggling to breathe. If you look at Jon’s chins, you can see the filter he’s using to appear slimmer glitching out. This happens in all of his Lives. At times it looks like the lower half of his face has grown a foot. At other times his neck fat glitches so much it looks like he swallowed a giant Jelly Baby and it’s trying to escape.
1:30- Jon says “What the Hell?” Could it be that something interesting is about to happen?!
1:47- Jon gets that smirk on his face that he gets when he’s about to do something he sees as cute, funny and charming.
1:55- False alarm. Jon is still potatoey. He failed at transitioning from one song to the next, but looks triumphant. Mark my words: This failure at transitioning is about to happen again in a few weeks. Jon gets some sort of payment or tip. He looks confused but than shrugs and says “Thank you”
2:45- Jon says something but it is unclear if it was “Keep spamming”, “Cults ramming” “Cheap Ramen” or “I’m dancin’. Of course WAP is played. Even if this was my favourite type of music, I would hate that song because of Jon.
He spends a few minutes bobbing his head and looking like a dead slug. He has the on camera charisma of a dying slug.
5:25- Jon leans down and says “…what?? A what?? …no. (laughter) fuck you.“
Unclear what that was about. Maybe the question was “Have you had a shower in the last month?” Because then his response makes total sense.
6:15 Jon takes a small break from looking confused and adjusts his camera. He mumbles something that is not understandable. He aims the camera at his sad Christmas tree, then returns it to it’s previous view. It is unclear what the purpose of that was.
6:35– Jon takes a big deep breath for the next minute or so Jon just continues his potatoey existence with the occasional head bob.
7:32- Surprise surprise, more WAP.
8:15- Jon says “put your dick away”.
9:43- Jon sticks out his tongue and smiles. I can only assume the aforementioned dick did not get put away and Jon was showing his approval. For the next minute or so, Jon does his best to be flirty and coy all the while trying to put on a show of being a Mix Master DJ. At around the 11 minute mark, a song with a very strong middle eastern vibe is played. I find this especially infuriating for obvious reasons. You’re not cute, Jon. Not even a little bit. Several minutes of Jon trying to look like he’s hard at work creating Mix Magic.
16:10- Oh look, he’s managed to work WAP in yet again.
16:20- DFS’s voice is being used. Of course Chunky Drunky looks quite pleased with himself. Even if it was ever funny Jon, it’s only funny once. You’re an idiot. He continues to use clips of Donald’s voice, and the more it plays, the more aroused Jon appears. He is literally grinding in his chair. If you ask me, this is just more proof that he is secretly in lust with Donald. Run, Donald. Run.
20:15– transitions out of using Donald’s voice. Jon looks a bit flushed. Eww.
20:47- Donald’s voice is back. Aww..Jon. Your romantic interest is showing. The filthy hair still has not moved. Even after Jon brushed one greasy chunk of it back, all it did was stick to another clump. It’s not moving. No signs of lice, though so that’s good news.
At around the 23 minute mark, Jon looks as if he’s struggling to work something out in his head. A few seconds later he fumbles a fade in. Horribly. But what do we expect? He sucks at this.
23:45- A random man appears on a split screen. A bar says “Battle Round”.
A chat message pops up that says to send gifts to “Jessica” to win the battle round. Meanwhile, Jon is as usual, oblivious, and the man is attempting to dance while lounging against some pillows. Donald’s voice is used again, and the man is now dancing standing up. This is a very weird battle.
26:23- Split screen gone, it seems Jon realized what was up. Very strange.
26:46- Another unsuspecting man appears! He wishes “Jessica” a Merry Christmas. Jon simply gives a wave and the man is gone. Rude.
27:40- Horrible mix choices. HORRIBLE mixing with the horrible choices. Jon you have NO talent for this. I hope you’re using free software otherwise it’s just more wasted money. Someone in chat states that the music sounds distorted. Jon insists it’s not.
29:14- Another “Battle Round!” The man is trying to get Jon’s attention by showing off his bling. Jon, as usual, is totally self absorbed and pays the man no mind. The man looks frustrated and gestures as if to say “WTF?” Oh sir. We all say that about Jon.
31:07– The man clearly mocks Jon’s music.
31:47- It seems to hit the man how very strange “Jessica” is and his face says it all!
32:34- Jon does “raise the roof” and sings “WAP” much to the man’s disgust. Jon is once again trying to mix. He’s failing.
33:27– Which ever slimming filter Jon is using begins to glitch out again. It’s a fucking riot!
33:45- Another Battle Round. These things seem lame. Especially when Jon refuses to engage not only with his audience but with his competitors.
The first thing this new challenger asks is “Why you’re hairy so boy?” Jon doesn’t even glance at him. Then the Challenger says “Hello?” Jon does nothing. Challenger: “Hey you’re fat. Have a merry Christmas, bitch.” He then squints at Jon in confusion. “you ugly as shit. Have a merry Christmas though you ugly ho!”
34:42- Donald’s voice is back. And so is another Battle Round. This one is also getting no response from Jon. He even used his very best line of “Yo, what’s poppin’?” Well Mr. Challenger I can answer that for you! Jon’s knee caps under the stress of his enormous weight! This battle ends in moments. Another Battle Round but this time there is no one to the right of Jon. I wonder if word has gotten out about what a fucking flop he is?
37:08- Jon sings along: “My loneliness is killing me”.
38:49– Jon appears to give up on the Battle Round for now…no wait, he’s rejoining!
40:09- Jon has given up again. He now starts to play “What a Man” by Salt-n-Pepa. A dedication to someone perhaps? He also butchers this song with the slowdowns and speedups. It IS a dedication! He is attempting to sample in Donald’s voice. And failing. Jon, you suck.
41:11- Another Battle Round has started. The woman looks disgusted. She rolls her eyes and gives Jon a snarl face. She then chuckles, sighs and places her chin in her hand as if to say “What is this fat twat up to?” After a moment she says “..stop” Followed by “Very disappointing” We felt that too.
44:00- Jon says hello to someone and tells them he loves their hair.
44:15– Jon does his “look at my sexy tongue” face then sings(?) “Let’s talk about sex” AKA that thing Jon will never have.
44:36– Donald’s voice is back.
45:01– Jon: “ohhhhh I think I botched this…” GEE YA THINK?
45:39– Another Battle Round.It’s the same guy who called Jon an ugly ho. His reaction is “oh GOD, not you again!” then he dips out.
46:10- More Battle Round. It’s a dude who appears to have more musical talent than Jon. He makes a polite attempt to engage Jon but Fatass is too busy pretending to be a DJ. The challenger is very kind and wishes Jon “Merry Christmas and blessings” He then says he wants Jon to win. Jon completely ignores the nice man.
50:17– Jon goes back to sampling DFS’s voice. Badly.
50:25- Dear God, another Battle Round…..and it’s over.
51:16– Oh boy,another one! We hear a young female voice say “Jessica L. G. B. T. Q. What the fuck is THAT?!” We can only assume that the young lady could see Jon. And the challenge is ended.
52:00– Here we go again.. While waiting for the challenge to begin, Jon is hard at work bopping and weaving. Which is funny because the filters glitch so much more when he does it. Challenge ends.
53:31– Jon takes a big deep breath and looks ever so proud. “Woo! That’s not easy to do!” No shit Jon. And you can’t do it. Stop it. He then has “some whore’s in this house” and WAP playing at weird speeds totally fucking up any chance of it sounding even kinda decent. It sounds so terrible. It’s literally giving me a headache.
55:22- Jon leans back and does the dramatic deep breath again. He scrunches his face and mouths “owwww” while touching his hand. He also leans in and says something that no matter how many times I relistened I could make it out.
56:10- He makes a big show of “being in pain”.
56:30- Big fake yawn. “I’m going to call it a night” And then it blissfully ends.
Jon please stop thinking you’re an entertainer. You’re not. You suck at audience engagement.